Thursday, May 31, 2007

Remembrance, part two

The memory of a first heartache.

Three years down and it still hurts as though it just happened yesterday. I was never a believer of fairy tales, although I would always weep in hearing a story of one. I have convinced myself that I had a bad case of overproductive tear glands, although I suddenly disputed myself when I cried watching a badly made Dolphy movie. I am mushy like that.

J was everything I never wanted in a man. I dreamt of falling in-love with a guy in khakis and plays golf at the Club, not to a rugged, lives pay day to pay day Red Horse junkie. But then, love is funny like that. You want something palatable to the eyes, instead gives you something worthy to listen to. We would talk about politics, the depressing state of the world, the 2008 Beijing Olympics, life, and how it ought to be lived. Most of the time, we would just sit quietly under the magnitude of stars over head.

But it was a happiness short-lived. As every good thing in this world, it must come to an end. He told me he was sorry, but there was somebody else. And that they had been together for one million years. He's sorry he didn't tell me. But he's still glad to have met me and that he enjoyed being with me yadi yadi yada. His voice trailed into my unconsciousness.

I wept to my sleep most nights, and silently cried inside when I couldn't bear to close my eyes. I never told anyone about us, not even my friends. I do not know why. I just wanted to be alone in my languor. It was true what they say, when you are heartbroken and depressed, you would think that all the songs you hear on the radio were made for this moment alone. I even cried to the sound of Yeah by Usher. Nobody told me it was going to be that painful. I felt like I starred in a cheap production of a radio drama, the ones you hear when your labandera is doing her chores at one in the afternoon.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I think of him and I don't like it. Because it is the pain that I feel, not the elation of being once in-love with him. Back then, whenever I thought of him, my heart races and gallops like a wild horse. But now, it is just pain and anger to which I haven't come to terms with. I have come to realize I am having some form of dysfunctional grieving.

I think I need therapy for the rest of my life. That jerk.

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tina said...

i like the way you write... :)

maika said...

hindi ko alam tong kwento na to ah.. hmm.. kailangan pa natin ng madami daming blue crush para mailabas ang mga ganyang damdamin. haha :)
anyway, oo tama ka dun sa mga kanta sa radyo. tipong lahat akala mo ikaw ang pinupukol. bwisit na yan. hay nako. tara therapy tayong dalawa :)

Jhed said...

Yeah, yeah. Shorty got down to come and get it meeeeee...

(Or something like that)

Been there, done that. Heck, I was even traumatized and told myself not to love again. But alas, I realized.. it's part of loving a person. You know, love and pain.. we just have to deal with it and move on. Learn from our mistakes to avoid being hurt again. It's easier said than done, but I know you'll get thru this. Heehee!

OMG! All this love hulabaloos made me hungry. Haha!

lei said...

tina thanks! but i don't always write like this. hehe

maika uy na-mention ko na sya sa blue crush episode 1 natin. hehe. sabi ko nga i dont want to think about him ever again.

teka, bakit ko pa ginawa tong post na to di ba? im so drugged. lol

jhed im hungry too, right now.

the philosphical bastard said...

what do you do when somebody dumps you? why, date his bestfriend of course!

(got that from another blog)

fruityoaty said...

The last time I was in a really serious relationship, I did the dumping... Come to think of it, I'm always the heartbreaker. Hmm, hope it's not true what they say about karma.

lei said...

paolo his bestfriend is gay. how can? hehehe :)

fruityoaty ack! you need counter measures. talk to a shaman. lol :)

nichole said...

I agree with tina, the way you write somewhat attracts me. Kahit na, I don't know much about this kind of thing, nor do I have any experiences..yet, I kind of feel your pain. (Hwaat?! :P) His bestfriend is gay? Maybe he's gay too...:D hah. ;P

kubi said...

lei, isa lang ang solusyon dyan. booze over boys!

Anonymous said...

*apir* sabay *hug*

Rakenrol tayong mga sawi!~

Hanggang ngayon, nangyayari pa rin sa'kin ang ganyang mga episodes. Medyo malala lang dahil ewan ko, isang "psycho bitch" ang kinahulugan ng loob ko.

Ngayon, matapos ang lahat-lahat at kung kelan medyo sanay na akong wala siya, tsaka siya magpaparamdam. Tapos ipadadama niya sa'kin na oo-mahal-pa-rin-kita-pero-hindi-pwede-kasi-ganito-ganyan. Sabay mawawala. Parang timang.

Ewan ko nga ba.

Nga pala, paki-update po ang bago kong web address.

Thankies thankies!~

jemme said...

woOOOwWW! ganda ng blog... visit ka din sa blog ko ^___^ may unforgettable experience ako dun na cgurado akong tatawa ka sa saya pag nabasa mo! hehe ^__^

Poli said...

Tsk, tsk. Siguradong makakaloko ka rin ng ibang lalaki! Hehe!

Di pa ako nasasawi kaya hindi pa ako maka-relate masyado.

Pero huwag naman sana! *Katok sa kahoy*

lei said...

nichole nah, im pretty sure he's not. he is just surrounded by gay people. lol

thanks for dropping by.

kubi right on! :)

jake ah, the curse of people like us.

jemme thanks, sige i will.

poli haha sana nga makaloko din ako. lol karma ba.

Czian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Czian said...

... na delete ko yung sa taas. Sorry.

hayyy. it's part of falling in love. ganyan talaga. may ups and downs.

mga nanglolokong yan, kakarmahin din yan... papakulam ko sila sa katulong ko. haha.

ate, i've added you on my stalkables list sa blog ko. feel free to visit, ha. patuloy akong susubaybay sa blog mo. at sana ganun ka rin sa blog ko. :)

lei said...

czian kk thanks! ^_^ i will link you up as well ^_^

Lisa said...

Poor baby!

Na "primera amor." Think of him as training ground. I'm sure there will be others and way better. So you were an unwitting "querida" for a while. Of course it hurts, but on the bright side, didn't it make you feel kinda -- sexy?!

There's nothing better than pain to make you write so beautifully!

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