Monday, June 25, 2007

I wish my life was on auto-pilot

It is days like these- rainy Mondays- that life is worth contemplating upon. Between the traffic jam that threatens my timely presence at work and the tattling of rain on the cab's exterior, I can not help but ponder on the amphigory I call my life. There are instances when I wish I could go ten years forward and see what mess I could've done and then go back again so I can fix it. Then I would do this again and again until I am satisfied with how the future will turn out, living the life I've always wanted. The Hiro complex, I like to call it.

I seriously hate the future and the mystery it brings. This is probably due to the fact that the future is reflected by what you do today. And right now, I'm living a crappy life. I've always envisioned life post college as a grand adventure of some sort. A race to the final destination of a fantastic job, loving husband, cute children and Sundays at the Club. My mind is coƱio like that.

I'm in a sea of conflict and my billable-per-hour job right now is an air vest waiting to explode. And when it does, I'm out of my comfort zone swimming for my life. And I do not know how to swim, and if I did, I wouldn't know in which direction I should head to so my feet can touch sand again.

The future fucks with my mind like crazy, so there are a lot of times I do not think about it. Except for days like these- rainy Mondays- when it is always nice to be afraid, to feel alone, so it will stir you to do something so you can see clearly ahead. Like turning your wiper on, perhaps.


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6 comments:

the philosphical bastard said...

you are not alone. a study revealed that most people were depressed/stressed on mondays. Most heart attacks occur on monday mornings.

Jhed said...

Don't think about your future too much, it will only limit your movements today. Who knows, your biggest mistake now can be greatest achievement tomorrow. So just let things fall into their place. :)

One thing's for sure though, rain makes people emo. Haha!

may said...

rainy days are days for mulling over one's life. it's okay to wallow and embrace the sense of uncertainty. it doesn't sound like it makes sense, but i learned that those who do are often more aware of the limitless possibilities and the possible limitations life can offer. in the end, that is a good thing.

lei said...

paolo we should abolish killer monday then. lol

jhed and to think i hate emo people. i must hate myself.

may thanks :)

maika said...

ano ka ba?! wag ka ganyan. hamo, sa monday manonood tayong sine :) tsaka andito si kubi! weee!!!!

fruityoaty said...

OK, every time I look out the window to watch the rain fall... I think, "Damn, I have to bring an umbrella."

Nope, I don't need rain to get all EMO. I've been feeling like shit for the longest time now... 2 months. I feel constantly busy and yet, lifeless.