Nostalgia

The Sun Sets Up North
*a post from the now defunct Technicolored Sunset (a blog I used to own)

i am a brat. i have always found ways to getting what i want. i have always succeeded in conquering the feelings of others in my “guilt-free” way and had always found myself content with the way things are at the end of the line. i could have all the things i want, but not him. never him.

and for that, i have decided to stop wishing upon all hopes that the dieties would bestow a wondrous gift that is mutual love. i shall convince myself it was not love, that i am not in-love. it was a sweet but insignificant meeting, that i only romanticized as a grand love affair in my mind. i would stop staring at him to encode his entirety in my brain until the time i would see him again. i would cease to look up in the sky to wait for a shooting star so that i could wish (and ask in pity) if the man of my dreams can get me out of my solitute.

i would stop thinking of his precious smile– the kind of smile that comes not from watching comedy shows but the kind that comes from finishing a work on his computer and watching people fall for practical jokes. i would accept that there is a person out there whom he loves and loves him in return, and that i could never level with her. i will start to convince myself that it was not injustice not to have him although i loved him so much for so long.

yes. i shall forget him. i shall forget the make-belief world i have created as a sanctuary for the love story that will never happen. i shall forget that when he enters the room, my eyes light up like an incandescent bulb. i shall forget how my heart races everytime he comes out of the curb unexpectedly. i shall forget how tounge-tied i get everytime he speaks to me.

i shall forget how much i adored him for no reason at all. i shall forget the happiness i feel everytime he smiles at me or when i hear his voice over the next room. i shall stop waiting, not because i am tired but because i know the answer already– i was just too blind or maybe to proud to recognize it. and most of all, i shall forget that i ever met him.

the last glance, i have already let the wind take it away and blow it somewhere else. the sun has set and in the darkness, i am in my solitude again. however, i am not sad. it was said that although angels weep, they learn how to smile too. and i have, even without his memory.