Thursday, April 3, 2008

tired and scared

i remember one night we rushed her to the hospital because she said she couldn't breathe. i look at her while she is soundly asleep in a hospital stretcher, alone in the emergency room, and i feel empty. i secretly wanted to tell her it was her fault, quit being overly dramatic about it. i sit there while the nurse get her BP every 15 minutes. i count the seconds lazily passing by, tapping my hands against the cold metal bed only adorned by white linens. she looked pale. for three seconds it looked serious, but all i ever wanted at that moment was to go home and sleep. somehow, she didn't matter. i went outside the hospital and sat alone on a concrete chair. i remember feeling the crisp cold february baguio weather, but i do not remember asking if she felt better. when the doctor finally told she can go home, i felt nothing still.

i remember one afternoon, the doctor told me i had a cyst in my left ovary and that there is a possibility of not being able to bear a little rascal. i distinctly recall looking at my ultrasound, a small white circular thing appeared and my sister beside me looked so very worried. but i didn't flinch. i asked her when can i get my period again. she said we'll try to normalize it. i said okay and left like nothing has happened.

i remember this friend who i had a falling out with. a few months ago, i was desperate in trying to win her friendship back. but now, i couldn't care less. a window of opportunity was opened a few days ago and i didn't even bother peeking at it. i remember how much i miss her and how sorry i was for what happened. but that's just it. a memory. i look at the pictures i have of her and i do not feel anything. i didn't bother to take them down. but they all look like there's an extra person i once knew.

with all of these, i suddenly felt scared. a few days ago while riding in a taxi, i asked myself 'when did i stop caring?' right then i knew i wasn't the same girl anymore.


oh now i know what i feel. this is static anger. and i don't know how to channel it to sentient anger. wtf, i'm so weird.

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Lisa said...

Hey Lei,

What's wrong, little girl?

I remember feeling very angry and frustrated a few months back. And at your age, I was pretty much an insomniac, with dark thoughts keeping me from sleeping.

Know though that everything works out for the better in the end.

Should you feel the need to talk, know that I'm an email or a bus ride away ...


kubi said...

hi lei-ness! i know exactly what you mean. but hang in there..things tend to work out so you get a jolt and start caring again. but sometimes, it's also a choice to get yourself out of it. rest easy, friend. miss you.

kubi said...

and also, i love the new lay-out. and yeh, you're awesome :D