tired and scared

i remember one night we rushed her to the hospital because she said she couldn't breathe. i look at her while she is soundly asleep in a hospital stretcher, alone in the emergency room, and i feel empty. i secretly wanted to tell her it was her fault, quit being overly dramatic about it. i sit there while the nurse get her BP every 15 minutes. i count the seconds lazily passing by, tapping my hands against the cold metal bed only adorned by white linens. she looked pale. for three seconds it looked serious, but all i ever wanted at that moment was to go home and sleep. somehow, she didn't matter. i went outside the hospital and sat alone on a concrete chair. i remember feeling the crisp cold february baguio weather, but i do not remember asking if she felt better. when the doctor finally told she can go home, i felt nothing still.

i remember one afternoon, the doctor told me i had a cyst in my left ovary and that there is a possibility of not being able to bear a little rascal. i distinctly recall looking at my ultrasound, a small white circular thing appeared and my sister beside me looked so very worried. but i didn't flinch. i asked her when can i get my period again. she said we'll try to normalize it. i said okay and left like nothing has happened.

i remember this friend who i had a falling out with. a few months ago, i was desperate in trying to win her friendship back. but now, i couldn't care less. a window of opportunity was opened a few days ago and i didn't even bother peeking at it. i remember how much i miss her and how sorry i was for what happened. but that's just it. a memory. i look at the pictures i have of her and i do not feel anything. i didn't bother to take them down. but they all look like there's an extra person i once knew.

with all of these, i suddenly felt scared. a few days ago while riding in a taxi, i asked myself 'when did i stop caring?' right then i knew i wasn't the same girl anymore.

-update-

oh now i know what i feel. this is static anger. and i don't know how to channel it to sentient anger. wtf, i'm so weird.

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