The start of all ends (A short)

She stares infront of her computer. She seem not to notice the mosquito she hit with a Salinger book earlier pixellating in red and green. Somewhere in between the heaps of paper, the ivy league hottie becomes a corporate whore.

Her slanting, feminine, convent-school handwriting sublimed by the Cathechism of the Italian/Vatican faith were buried under stress, under the earth and dirt and short bond papers. It was ridiculous to exhume it. It was buried until the paper have become soft and folded like the cloth, and useless. Her hands had tapped and something came out in the small white screen. She became amused and delighted and has forgotten her passionate love affair with her handwritings.

Home is 20,000 miles away. But for now, the red, satin-lined sofa 2 meters behind her qualified as home. Home is not where her heart is. There is a damp smell of freshly brewed Cafe Americano roaming the room. Her kidneys smelled it too. It somehow mixed with her blood.

When did it start, she doesn't know. One thing led to another. One minute she was freshly baked out into the real world then the next thing she knew she became a very young associate. It was a brisk winding up and closing shop.

It was already 5AM. She had realized that before deciding on a quick nap. She began having memories that she doesn't have any right to remember. The boy he had seen last week in an Australian coffee shop, was he the one? The one with a fahion victim for a girlfriend? She felt like a vine snaking up a lamp post. Touching here. There. All over. And she was awoken by a light tap over her shoulders.

Coffee, Ma'am? she asks.

And the cycle goes on.

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25.

I received an email from FutureMe.org three days ago on my birthday. Futureme.org is a website where you write an email to yourself be sent to your email address at anytime of your preference in the future. I wrote mine back in 2006 and my twenty year-old self had this to say:

Dear FutureMe,

you should have a job by now and
lost a lot of weight.

if not, oh well
we'll try again in 4 years.

Even then I was funny. So I had managed to get one thing done, and you know which one it is. :)

Today, I decided to write back to my twenty year-old self. I also decided to put it up on this blog because it has been gathering dust and cobwebs for three years now. There is somebody at the office playing a soft, familiar tune on the guitar, which makes this letter I am about to write more mushy than it should be.

*clears throat*

Dear PastMe,

I hope you have the time, because this is going to be a long one. Hmmm... let's see...

I received your letter three days ago, precisely on our 25th birthday. I am happy to report that yes, you have a paying job! Yey! Actually, you have had 3 in the past five years. First, fresh out of College, you became an English teacher to a bunch of bratty young Koreans. Some turned out to be really nice young adults, took college abroad (passing SATs you helped them review for), and successfully are able to speak and write pretty good English. You will have a 19 year-old student named Soy, and your proudest achievement will be when she finally beats you at Texas Hold'em Poker (which she learned from you).

Then, you had a short stint at a Call Center company. Had met a lot of interesting people and decided you would never go to the United States to work. People there seems to be more stressed than anybody else you have spoken with. And it was also around this time that it became clearer: You wanted to be a lawyer. Flashback to the time when your highschool Economics teacher told you "Alam mo, ma-boka ka. Bagay kang maging abugada." You will not be able to remember his name, but you will forever remember how you felt when you silently muttered Atty. Erwilyn Lei Solito under your breath. Kind of has a nice ring to it, so you tossed your Nursing diploma and headed off to Law School. You also decided to support yourself financially through it, vowed to never ask from your parents to pay for tuition. You somehow saw yourself through that (on some really tight days, they offered helped and you gladly accepted it). Something you should be very proud of. You might slack off on some days, but your heart remained in place.

Lastly, you became a staff for a Nursing review center. After a year, the bosses entrusted you with management. Ah. You will never forget this part of your life. I will advise you to prepare your heart for a multitude of reasons. But mostly because you will grow in so many ways while you're on this job. At this point in your life, a lot of people will disappoint you, but a lot will touch your heart as well. You will learn that friendship does not equal trust and that no matter how much you cry, it does not make it hurt any less. You will meet a lot of wonderful, wonderful people. Some friends will get married, some will have babies ahead of the wedding bells, and some will still be as crazy as you despite being "adults". You will never be more drunk in your life than this time. Trust me, you'll need a lot of alcohol to get by. And friends, more importantly. Not a lot, just a few you can talk to and be crazy with.

You'll attend a couple of concerts, see the Azkals beat Sri Lanka 4-0 live (oh yes, you'll rekindle you football addiction), see a bunch of NBA players, travel a lot, get high and drunk some more, cry the most, lose friends, gain more, get a driver's license (finally), get addicted with Twitter, Facebook and your Blackberry, fall in love, get heartbroken, see your bank account swell then reduce, and be smiling most of the time even though there's a plethora of problems to deal with.

I wish I could tell you how cool you turned out to be. But you're still the same geeky, loud-mouthed, principled girl after 5 long years. Just maybe tougher. Yeah, I would say definitely tougher. The times have brought out the best and the worst in you. It will be a long, arduous journey for you. Prayer will be your only weapon. You'll lose faith on some days, but you always found your way back. Always.

You turned out okay. Despite not losing a lot of weight. You are enjoying life and everything in between! Do not fret! Your 25th birthday will be uneventful, except that it rained hail that day. Pretty cool, huh?

So yeah, life is just as it should be for you. You will probably write yourself in the future again, because that's what you do. You always hope for the best. You may not be completely satisfied with what you have right now, at least you're happy.

Love,
Future Me

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I never wanted this.

Last night I dreamt I got married in a big, white, traditional wedding. I woke up feeling afraid not because it was a horrendous dream, but because I looked so damn happy.

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chopseuy

**for some reason i can't stop looking. seriously. it has to stop. it's getting a bit annoying already. no details here//

**i love the idea of tattoos. i was never good with changes so i like the idea of its permanence. i have been thinking of getting one on my wrist--something poetic or grand. the kind which i can tell a cool story about. but then i always hear stories about people thinking too much of what tatoo they'll gonna get and end up with idiotic stuffs inked on their bodies.

**it is chilly once again in this part of the country. i don't know, but the cold does something on people. just a couple of days ago, after too much gin, something amoral happened. to say the least, i was just a spectator, thank god. i suddenly questioned people's morality and how casual can casual get? i am trying my best here not to dive into details.

**it is funny how other people tend to complicate the meaning of love. i know someone who likes this someone but this someone has someone but is very, very, very far away. the someone i know is sooo afraid to take a risk for the someone she likes (which i think kinda likes her as well) because of his someone. i know, it's complicated like that. but really, if we are not going to take risks for anything, we would live our lives always thinking 'what if'. but this is not me talking.

**i am up at 12mn, because work got my body clock all messed up. i live in 4 different time zones, and talking about shifts is as painful as counting hours backwards all the time. Example:
Me: Do we have work on the 25th?
Officemate: None.
Me: Alrighty!
Officemate: Wait, are we talking Manila time or production time?
Me: *puzzled* I have a 12mn shift Mla time, so how is that?
Officemate: Oh you do have work.
Me: But isn't that considered as the 25th already?
Officemate: Yeah, but technically that is 24 production.
Me: I hate you.

**lately, i have been paying bills for the house, shopping for food (in the market as well!), and giving money to anyone and everyone who needs them. i can't believe how grown up that sounded. i was particularly surprised at my selflessness. but i still have to learn how to budget my money.

**how come i am sooo kilig with twilight? it's so stupid yet so kilig. i don't know why they already love each other beyond accounting after they sat next in biology class? or how they want to get married after one date? or how bella would want to give up everything after just one kiss? and somehow, i don't believe edward when he said "you have no idea how long i've waited for you'. seriously, 100 years and no woman? not even one? sige na nga!

**i know i said i'm going to write every week, but internet has been down for almost a month we just got it running.

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stoopid

with regularization @ work coming up, i was asked to pen an appraisal for my self by my supervisor. i was staring blankly at the monitor and couldn't get to write anything for a full three minutes. i had her open up a sample appraisal from a newly regularized employee and that's the only time i had started writing.

scary thing to happen, as i have always been a writer my whole life. i quickly messaged my friend and told her 'dude, i was asked to write something a while ago and my mind was totally blank! scary shit!' then she replied 'my friend, your job is keeping you stupid. read an effing book for crying out loud!'

when did i ran out of things to say? or write? is the corporate world eating me alive?

so now i vow to write at least once a week on this blog. because god knows i'm too lazy to do it more than that. so once is enough.

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